Death, Taxes, and “Oh Sh*t Moments”

If I say “Oh Shit Moment”, you can probably guess what I mean. But just to make sure we’re on the same page, let me share my definition. An “Oh Shit Moment” is an event that absolutely rocks your life and makes you fundamentally question what the heck you’re doing in nearly every aspect of your life. 

My “Oh Shit Moment” came in the form of my father’s passing in 2018 after a two-year battle with cancer. That time in my late twenties absolutely crushed me. I don’t wish for anyone to go through what my family and I endured at that time in life. But unfortunately, while I would love to say that my “Oh Shit Moment” is unique and you will be spared from such events, in performing all of my research and interviews for Redefining Success, it’s clear that these events, unfortunately, will touch everyone, even you, at various times in life.

Don’t believe me? Well, let’s see what the research has to say.

For this, I would like to introduce you to Bruce Feiler, author of seven New York Times bestselling books. Bruce’s own story is fascinating! Like many of us in our twenties, Bruce felt like he had figured out this game we call life.

That is, of course, until life presented him with a rude awakening—his own “Oh Shit Moment.”

In a 2020 interview on NPR, Bruce shared, “I discovered what I wanted to do early in my life. I had some success, I got married, I had children. And then I just got walloped by life. I got cancer, I almost went bankrupt, and my dad, who has Parkinson’s, tried to take his own life multiple times.”

But Bruce leveraged his difficult experience into his next passion project, his book Life Is in the Transition: Mastering Change at Any Age. As he reflected on this tough time in his life, he realized there was very little research for individuals to turn to as they navigated these difficult life events, despite the fact everybody unfortunately goes through them at some point in life.

What I imagine Bruce meant by this is that while there are a plethora of resources surrounding positive psychology, self-help, therapy, mindfulness, etc., Bruce craved more data around these traumatic events, the life transitions they cause, and how people cope with the change.

So, being a data-driven storyteller, he decided to interview hundreds of people living across all fifty states who had been through a recent major life change. These life changes included things like switching careers, shifting relationship status, losing a loved one or job, recovering from a health crisis, getting sober, etc. He then spent a year codifying the results to identify patterns, lessons learned, and common threads among these individuals.

As he dug into the data from his interviews, he found that we all go through a “disrupter” every twelve to eighteen months. Examples of what he defines as a “disrupter” are getting in an accident, changing jobs, moving, or even getting married.

It seems to me marriage would be larger than just a “disruptor,” as it’s supposed to entail a lifelong change. That being said, we could argue about how to code each life event until we are blue in the face, so let’s stick with Bruce’s definitions for our purposes.

I don’t know about you, but I consider any of these events to be stress inducing and capable of making me think, “What just happened?!” or “Am I sure I know what I’m doing?”

Importantly, “disrupters” are not all inherently negative life events. From the list, you can see some of the items listed are opportunities or even joyous events. Despite the positive outcomes, these occasions can also be stress-inducing times in our lives that cause turbulence.

And that’s perfectly okay! Because, according to the data, these disrupters (positive and negative) are minor blips in the grand scheme of things that we are fairly good at managing.

The real problem arises with what Bruce calls “life quakes.” These are massive changes in life that come with “aftershocks” for years, more specifically four to five years. These are what I affectionately call “Oh Shit Moments.”

Bruce’s data shows that we will go through a life quake three to five times in life, meaning we will spend twelve to twenty-five years of our lives in transitions dealing with the “aftershocks” of these events. That statistic is insane and terrifyingly sobering.

These life quakes are truly life-jarring and lead to a life transition in some way. Examples of life quakes from Bruce’s data are death of a loved one, becoming seriously ill, going bankrupt, enduring a divorce, etc.

Needless to say, my father’s two-year battle with cancer and eventual death was a life quake in my life that led to me quitting my job, earning my MBA, and writing my book! All the while, I was also going through a personal transformation that led to reflecting on what matters to me in life and striving to more consistently make decisions that best align with those priorities.

While I wish I could share ways to avoid life quakes, or “Oh Shit Moments,” the unfortunate truth is these life-altering moments are just as much a part of life as eating and breathing. They say nothing in life is certain but death and taxes. Perhaps they should include “Oh Shit Moments” to that list?

While I can’t help you completely avoid “Oh Shit Moments,” Redefining Success can help you be better prepared to deal with them whenever they do rear their ugly heads in your life. The point of Redefining Success for yourself now is so you can take the time to reflect on what matters to you and thoughtfully position yourself to live your life in alignment with your priorities.

That way, when something in life comes to wallop you, you are well-positioned to deal with the terribleness because you already have set yourself up for personal success.

Overcoming an “Oh Shit Moment”

Let’s turn back to Bruce’s fantastic research to help with this question.

Bruce’s research showed 80 percent of individuals use a ritual of some kind to signal to themselves that the traumatic event is in the past. In his interview on NPR, he shared, “They sang, they danced, they had memorial services, they got tattoos, they jumped out of airplanes; something to say to themselves and to others the past is over and I’m now heading in a new direction.”

Additionally, Bruce found in the midst of the transition process, individuals commonly had two steps to help them move on in life.

1)      They eliminated some aspect of their lives (drinking too much, working too hard, being too people pleasing, etc.)

 2)      They unleashed their creativity, be that song, dance, or the written word (hey, that’s me with this book). Bruce shared, “Creativity helps us create ourselves anew.”

Reflection Exercise:

Can you identify an “Oh Shit Moment” in your life?

How did you overcome it?

How can you better prepare yourself today for a future “Oh Shit Moment?”

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